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Most of what I know about raising kids who get along comes from my own parents, who successfully raised ten children spanning two decades – who all get along, down to enjoying goofy Google plus hangouts. Yesterday saw all ten of us, and my parents, on a G+ Hangout for the first time ever, along with several grandchildren, including all four grandbabies born in 2012. Thanks to modern technology we were able to span the globe, from California, Washington State, Utah, Florida, and Massachusetts to the more far-flung Ukraine and China! My raising kids who get along post is one of the most popular I’ve ever written on this blog (alongside 20 ways to cope with sleep deprivation, which I thankfully don’t suffer from nearly as much as I used to), so I thought I would share how we work on sibling relationships from the very beginning.
My parents did lot of things to help us learn to appreciate family. One of the most important was the way they introduced new family members. Here are a few things I learned from them about bringing home a younger sibling:
- When a new baby arrives, the older siblings’ role as an older sibling is as important as the new baby. My mom always talked to us about the baby in terms of our relationship with the baby – so we didn’t feel that the baby was replacing us; he or she was simply enriching our lives.
- Explain special treatment the baby receives in terms of the baby not being able to do things the older sibling can do. For example, a baby needs to drink a bottle or nurse because they don’t have teeth, so they can’t eat the older sibling’s favorite foods. The baby is carried everywhere because they can’t walk (or can’t walk very far/very fast), while the older sibling is a great runner!
- If an older sibling expresses disgust or disdain for the baby having dirty diapers or spitting up, build empathy instead of distance by commenting on how nice it is that the older sibling doesn’t have to wear diapers any more, or knows how to keep their food in their stomach now.
- Emphasize the older siblings’ ability to teach the baby new things. This makes them feel very important and valued, and helps them establish their own new role within the family. I also find that older siblings are often more effective teachers than I am!
- When older siblings interact with the baby inappropriately, teach them an appropriate way to interact rather than getting angry or frustrated with them. I remember my mom having older siblings jump and do other tricks for the baby – and have found that very useful when older siblings were getting a bit too affectionate.
- Talk about how much the baby likes their older siblings.
- Give lots of positive reinforcement for appropriate behavior.
- Allow room for the older siblings to regress a bit in the early months after a baby is born. There are a lot of changes happening in the home, and everyone is feeling more tired and strained than usual. Make sure the older siblings are still getting plenty of attention.
My mom always felt that starting a sibling relationship off right went a long ways towards preventing resentment later in life – and I think there is a lot of truth in that. Here are a few other things I’ve added – not as time-tested, but they have helped us:
- Have the baby bring siblings gifts, and let siblings bring baby gifts to the hospital.
- Wear the baby when you want to give the baby a break from siblings.
- Encourage siblings to look after a baby doll or stuffed animal while you look after the baby.
- If siblings get rough with the baby and won’t redirect, sadly say that you have to remove the baby, because they aren’t being kind to the baby. I usually put the baby in a baby carrier at this point. Remind siblings that babies are people, not toys.
What are your best tips for establishing a positive sibling relationship from the very beginning?
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That is one of my most favorite pictures! I like how they all love Anna.
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Thanks! Very current issue for me, well, soon, that is. :) Hope you are all well! Belated merry Christmas! Hoping you will start into the new year with much energy, faith, hope and charity!
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 26th, 2012 at 3:24 pm
I hope everything goes well with your new little one’s arrival!!!
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Very good tips. I have a two year old and one year old and ive done a lot of those. Things. One thing ive always done was the baby had the same rules as my olderst. I wouldn’t let the baby take toys from my oldest just because he was a baby. I tried to use the same language with both of them.
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 26th, 2012 at 3:23 pm
Both excellent tips, Jonai. Thanks for sharing them!
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OMG I love how your little boy is kissing the baby; so cute! As you know, this post is very timely for me! Even though my little ones aren’t born yet, I try to do what you mentioned in your tips, such as when my son kisses my belly, I say that the babies really like that and love him so much. I like your tips on how to discipline them when they get too rough, too. I already have that happening when my little guy inadvertently pats my belly too roughly, and I show him how to pat gently instead. Hopefully my kids will also get along really well!
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 26th, 2012 at 8:10 pm
I love how much thought you are putting into the arrival of your twins, Nina! I know it will benefit the entire family.
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You are definitely blessed with wisdom and experience. While we are not bringing any siblings home, this tips will be very handy even for short babysitting gigs that we are doing for our friends.
Visit Natalie … Week in Review–December 23, 2012
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Thank you, Natalie. I’m so glad you found this post useful.
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Lovely article. It was and is much easier for me to cope with sleep deprivation because my baby #2… sleeps ha ha My older daughter slept so little and was more high needs. The second one is so relaxed and easy-going (at least at the moment!).
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:46 pm
I hope she stays easy-going for you, Varya! Each of my kids has slept more than the previous one!
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Beautiful post, full of wisdom. I love the emphasis on the older sibling’s role.
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I love the photo of your kids being so loving to baby Anna! Love your suggestions too. Just wanted to add that reading picture books about getting a new baby seemed to help my kids (though my middle child still does not cherish her little brother, now 8!).
My post on picture books to help introduce a new baby to siblings is here: http://www.pragmaticmom.com/2011/05/introduce-baby-older-sibling/
Visit PragmaticMom … Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Excellent advice, and thanks for sharing your post!
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Such a helpful post! I especially love that you mentioned about giving room for a little bit of regression among older siblings in the early months after a baby is born. Not a lot of mothers know that it is normal for some kids to regress whenever a new child is introduced to the home.
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Sounds like you had a great example and rich family heritage to glean from!
Visit Jen … merry christmas from our family to yours
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:43 pm
I think having the family heritage makes it a lot easier!
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These are great tips! Thanks. A friend of mine has seven children and she often wears the baby so that the older children don’t mother it too much! :) I recently posted about our experiences in just telling our girls about a new baby: http://www.thekoalabearwriter.com/2012/10/five-tips-for-telling-older-siblings.html. They are already super excited about the baby, and about their roles as big sisters, so I hope that continues when the baby arrives. I’m bookmarking your post to remember this when the baby comes! :)
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Your post is fantastic! Thanks for sharing it here.
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Thank you thank you thank you for this article. I’m an only child married to an only child and baby number 2 is scheduled to arrive in about three months so this is excellent. Great tips
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:41 pm
I hope everything goes well for you with the arrival of #2. How exciting!!!
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I get your point; however, it doesn’t help for what happened in my family. It was never resentment on my brother’s part for myself being born (I’m the younger sibling), but my parents. My brother was a special baby. He was born not long after both my mom’s and my dad’s fathers passed away (on was within the month of birth). In addition, he was born with water in his lungs causing him to almost die. He was the first born, and the miracle baby, which left no room for the second child, me. As adults, my brother and I do not talk much. He’s a 27 year old still prone to temper tantrums and poor judgment, and if the topic is not on him he will find a way to leave or talk about himself. The sad thing is, my parents act like I’m to blame, often directing aggression and harsh words to me. As much as I want to agree with this post, I’m not sure if it could have saved my family.
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 10:00 am
I’m so sorry you had to grow up this way, Sara.
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Great post. I agree completely. With the age differences between my children (seven years between my boys, five years between my girls, and 19 months between my middle two), I found it especially important to talk to my children about changes that may occur when the baby arrived. I also like to talk to them about how lucky they are to have each other and how special that relationship is.
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I agree that talking to kids about how lucky they are to have each other helps also!
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Sometimes I wonder if my kids will ever get along… *sigh*
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MaryAnne Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 6:41 pm
I think it can be harder with a larger age gap – the older one remembers life without the younger one. I bet they will as they grow older, though :)
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Meant to say how much I love your photos of your children in your recap!
I think you are so right starting things off positive! I have things I still say all the time that have helped my kids develop a good relationship. I remind them about how much they love each other and always call attention to a like or interest they share.
Great post series MaryAnne!
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“Babies are people, not toys.” – Love that! Sometimes a tough one for other kids to remember :)
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My kiddos always welcomed the new baby (I have four) but it is as they have grown older that they now don’t get along. I find it very difficult to be the peace negotiator all the time..
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MaryAnne Reply:
January 14th, 2013 at 6:37 pm
Did you see my other post on kids getting along (http://mamasmiles.com/raising-kids-who-get-along/)? Some of the comments there have great ideas – one mother started charging her children a mediator fee, and they started working things out on their own a lot more often! I thought that was a pretty neat idea.
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For my second child, I made sure to pay attention to my oldest by asking him to bring books to me while I was nursing, and we’d read together. I have 4 kids (just had my 4th) and none of them have ever had problems with the babies. They don’t mind helping out because I think they like being involved. I do have to admit though that they probably don’t have a lot of resentment because they are all very young. I have 4 kids 5 yr and under.
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MaryAnne Reply:
January 30th, 2013 at 5:03 pm
The closeness of your four kids might help, but your approach (making nursing time reading together time as well) sounds really lovely, and that has to make a difference. Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you for these tips and thoughts. I have a toddler and a newborn and this article is giving me some great ideas. Thank you!
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MaryAnne Reply:
February 2nd, 2013 at 12:55 pm
I’m so glad you found this article helpful. Thank you for taking the time to comment!
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Love this! We just had our first baby 7 months ago and I’m already gathering up tips for how to keep her feeling loved when we grow our family someday.
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